People in your Life

Ok so I just got off the phone with a, in my mind, rare person in my life. It is guy (I know your rolling your eyes) that I worked with at Action Care. Now if you know me you know that that is a dark part of my past and interesting things came from that place. This man though is a person I would marry and could truely see myself marrying if he were not already married! Now I KNOW the eyes are rolling! :-) DRAMA. Anyway, he called cause I txted him that a lady at my work just loves him cause he now works at the place where she lives. After I got off the phone with him I started thinking how everyone in our lives affects us. Now every time I talk to this individual I am the most articulate and funny person I know. I am so smooth and it seems like everything I say just comes out so right. i also am super calm around him and feel like I cam be myself, which for me is rare occasion with rare people. I just feel like he was meant to be in my life.

Now there is another guy at work that he and I are like brother and sister. we fight, we tease each other, I feel like he is a lost part of my family. Yet another person that I feel like is meant to be in my life. I have just one friend that i feel that way about and she brought me to God.

Where I am going with this is that I feel like this is sufficient evidence that people are brought into our lives for one reason or another. Some have big reason's and some have small but all are important. Now I guess I am just feeling extraordinarily philosophical but these are the thoughts I thought you would like to know run through my brain!

I simply find it fascinating.

Why?

So today I have reached the end of my rope with my self! I have been chatting with a boy that I should never ever chat with. While texting him, all I can think about is how guilty I feel. My question is why? Why text him when I know I shouldn't. Now I tried to justify it with he texted me...I refuse to initiate contact first or if I don't talk to him he will bother me and my family. (Um hello self...shouldn't that send up a red flag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) But that doesn't make it any better! I feel like I am a broken record. I complain to all my friends about how I should not talk to this person and yet here I am for like he zilionth time.

Why do we do this to our selves? Why do we repeatedly do things that we know we shouldn't. Its not like I am doing drugs or drinking but I feel like this is my drug or drink. I have to be gaining something from it! I think its the satisfaction that some one out there thinks that I am attractive enough to sleep with. That just sounds pathetic!! The part I don't understand even more is that fact that this person is with the "girl of his dreams" and yet he continues to ask me to do things. Is it the thrill or the fact that he can? What makes him do it? Why if he has everything he wants does he insist on bothering me. I can not do this any more!! I am so angry and upset with my self and him!

I want more than anything to be able to never speak to him again and o move on with my life. But I think I am trying to punish myself for all the lousy things I have done. I was talking to someone the other day and I called myself a home wrecking whore. That's how I truely feel about my self. I don't know if God is trying to test my faith or test my temptation but I am so tired of feeling guilty, small, whoreish, and worthless!!

I apologize for the abruptness of this blog but I really needed to get all of my thoughts out right this second. And I needed more than just the pages of my journal to know. I really hope that God can hear my prayer and help me to quit this non sense!!! Please, Please, Please help my heavenly father to stop this foolishness and help me to start forgiving myself!!!!

In Jesus name amen!