Ok so I just got off the phone with a, in my mind, rare person in my life. It is guy (I know your rolling your eyes) that I worked with at Action Care. Now if you know me you know that that is a dark part of my past and interesting things came from that place. This man though is a person I would marry and could truely see myself marrying if he were not already married! Now I KNOW the eyes are rolling! :-) DRAMA. Anyway, he called cause I txted him that a lady at my work just loves him cause he now works at the place where she lives. After I got off the phone with him I started thinking how everyone in our lives affects us. Now every time I talk to this individual I am the most articulate and funny person I know. I am so smooth and it seems like everything I say just comes out so right. i also am super calm around him and feel like I cam be myself, which for me is rare occasion with rare people. I just feel like he was meant to be in my life.
Now there is another guy at work that he and I are like brother and sister. we fight, we tease each other, I feel like he is a lost part of my family. Yet another person that I feel like is meant to be in my life. I have just one friend that i feel that way about and she brought me to God.
Where I am going with this is that I feel like this is sufficient evidence that people are brought into our lives for one reason or another. Some have big reason's and some have small but all are important. Now I guess I am just feeling extraordinarily philosophical but these are the thoughts I thought you would like to know run through my brain!
I simply find it fascinating.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Why?
So today I have reached the end of my rope with my self! I have been chatting with a boy that I should never ever chat with. While texting him, all I can think about is how guilty I feel. My question is why? Why text him when I know I shouldn't. Now I tried to justify it with he texted me...I refuse to initiate contact first or if I don't talk to him he will bother me and my family. (Um hello self...shouldn't that send up a red flag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) But that doesn't make it any better! I feel like I am a broken record. I complain to all my friends about how I should not talk to this person and yet here I am for like he zilionth time.
Why do we do this to our selves? Why do we repeatedly do things that we know we shouldn't. Its not like I am doing drugs or drinking but I feel like this is my drug or drink. I have to be gaining something from it! I think its the satisfaction that some one out there thinks that I am attractive enough to sleep with. That just sounds pathetic!! The part I don't understand even more is that fact that this person is with the "girl of his dreams" and yet he continues to ask me to do things. Is it the thrill or the fact that he can? What makes him do it? Why if he has everything he wants does he insist on bothering me. I can not do this any more!! I am so angry and upset with my self and him!
I want more than anything to be able to never speak to him again and o move on with my life. But I think I am trying to punish myself for all the lousy things I have done. I was talking to someone the other day and I called myself a home wrecking whore. That's how I truely feel about my self. I don't know if God is trying to test my faith or test my temptation but I am so tired of feeling guilty, small, whoreish, and worthless!!
I apologize for the abruptness of this blog but I really needed to get all of my thoughts out right this second. And I needed more than just the pages of my journal to know. I really hope that God can hear my prayer and help me to quit this non sense!!! Please, Please, Please help my heavenly father to stop this foolishness and help me to start forgiving myself!!!!
In Jesus name amen!
Why do we do this to our selves? Why do we repeatedly do things that we know we shouldn't. Its not like I am doing drugs or drinking but I feel like this is my drug or drink. I have to be gaining something from it! I think its the satisfaction that some one out there thinks that I am attractive enough to sleep with. That just sounds pathetic!! The part I don't understand even more is that fact that this person is with the "girl of his dreams" and yet he continues to ask me to do things. Is it the thrill or the fact that he can? What makes him do it? Why if he has everything he wants does he insist on bothering me. I can not do this any more!! I am so angry and upset with my self and him!
I want more than anything to be able to never speak to him again and o move on with my life. But I think I am trying to punish myself for all the lousy things I have done. I was talking to someone the other day and I called myself a home wrecking whore. That's how I truely feel about my self. I don't know if God is trying to test my faith or test my temptation but I am so tired of feeling guilty, small, whoreish, and worthless!!
I apologize for the abruptness of this blog but I really needed to get all of my thoughts out right this second. And I needed more than just the pages of my journal to know. I really hope that God can hear my prayer and help me to quit this non sense!!! Please, Please, Please help my heavenly father to stop this foolishness and help me to start forgiving myself!!!!
In Jesus name amen!
Monday, December 22, 2008
The Funny Moments
In the past two days I have experienced those moments where you can do nothing but laugh. You know the one's where you are walking in a store some where, or driving in your car and something so outrageously funny happens all you can do is laugh out loud!!!!
So I was invited to a friends Christmas party this weekend. This friend shall go unnamed but to be honest her and I are not that close and our friendship has always been based on the eternal battle, in her mind, that she is smarter and more superior than me (I say in a phony English mocking tone). Anyway, I pull up to this house and I had just come from my work so my cloths were nice but not too dressy. Now being the intelligent and brilliant young lady that I am, I did not bring a coat to wear on my short walk from my car to her house in the cold weather. But thanks to my paranoid, yet always correct mom, I kept one in the car. Any one that knows me, knows that I have a very ecentric sense of style. Now the jacket I happen to have kept in my car was a coat that is pink, like bubble gum pink, with white horses all over it and a rhinestone zipper. Now this coat would be perfect if it fit me, but it doesn't so I can't close it all the way. Now imagine me walking up to a Victorian house off of 6th and layfette down town, in my wonderful pink coat. So I get inside and I can see it on all of their faces that me and pink coat are being snubbed and the only thing I wan to do laugh. I think its hysterical!!! I got through the next 45min trying to keep up pretenses that I was a rich, snootty, and ecofriendly girl that should be at this party. The funny thing is I could have cared less really if i fit into their world. I just wanted to scream "Hey your not that trendy and your not as cool as you think you are and you all know that my coat is the most amazing thing you have seen this year!"But I didn't, so finally when the hands of my matching pink rhinestone watch said 8:30 i couldn't get out of there fast enough. And all I did the whole way to my car was to smirk. The minute I heard the door slam shut....out it came. This laugh that had been there since I arrived and it didn't stop until I hit I 25. I don't know why i thought it was so funny but I know I will never forget it!
My second encounter with a burst of laughter in public was at the nail salon. I went to get my over-the-top Christmas nails converted into something a little less abrasive for New Years (and according to my dad boring in comparison to the Christmas green and red glitter nails i previously had). Now usually when I go in to get my nails done it so quite I can hear a pin drop. But on this Sunday the holiday rush was there to get all "pur-ddied" up for Christmas. So I'm sitting there getting loopy on nail fumes, when out of no where this women in the back starts to laugh uncontrollably. Now she wasn't just giggling or doing a girl laugh, she was all out, belly laughing from the tips of her toes. Now I have to back up for a second because when she came in her Son was with her. I figured her came along in order to go to the store or his friends house. But I quickly realized when he got into the pedicure tub next to his her, he was there to get his feet done. (I thought that was very peculiar for a boy of thirteen) Anyway, as the nail lady started to pumice her feet she just let out this infectious laughter. If you have ever had your feet scrubbed you know how much it can tickle. Once she started then the whole shop seemed to be giggling right along with her!! It was fantastic, then once she was done we realized we had one more foot to go. I LOVED it...it was spontaneous and she wasn't embarrassed at all! I thought it was the perfect ending to my perfect weekend!!! :-)
I love those funny moments
So I was invited to a friends Christmas party this weekend. This friend shall go unnamed but to be honest her and I are not that close and our friendship has always been based on the eternal battle, in her mind, that she is smarter and more superior than me (I say in a phony English mocking tone). Anyway, I pull up to this house and I had just come from my work so my cloths were nice but not too dressy. Now being the intelligent and brilliant young lady that I am, I did not bring a coat to wear on my short walk from my car to her house in the cold weather. But thanks to my paranoid, yet always correct mom, I kept one in the car. Any one that knows me, knows that I have a very ecentric sense of style. Now the jacket I happen to have kept in my car was a coat that is pink, like bubble gum pink, with white horses all over it and a rhinestone zipper. Now this coat would be perfect if it fit me, but it doesn't so I can't close it all the way. Now imagine me walking up to a Victorian house off of 6th and layfette down town, in my wonderful pink coat. So I get inside and I can see it on all of their faces that me and pink coat are being snubbed and the only thing I wan to do laugh. I think its hysterical!!! I got through the next 45min trying to keep up pretenses that I was a rich, snootty, and ecofriendly girl that should be at this party. The funny thing is I could have cared less really if i fit into their world. I just wanted to scream "Hey your not that trendy and your not as cool as you think you are and you all know that my coat is the most amazing thing you have seen this year!"But I didn't, so finally when the hands of my matching pink rhinestone watch said 8:30 i couldn't get out of there fast enough. And all I did the whole way to my car was to smirk. The minute I heard the door slam shut....out it came. This laugh that had been there since I arrived and it didn't stop until I hit I 25. I don't know why i thought it was so funny but I know I will never forget it!
My second encounter with a burst of laughter in public was at the nail salon. I went to get my over-the-top Christmas nails converted into something a little less abrasive for New Years (and according to my dad boring in comparison to the Christmas green and red glitter nails i previously had). Now usually when I go in to get my nails done it so quite I can hear a pin drop. But on this Sunday the holiday rush was there to get all "pur-ddied" up for Christmas. So I'm sitting there getting loopy on nail fumes, when out of no where this women in the back starts to laugh uncontrollably. Now she wasn't just giggling or doing a girl laugh, she was all out, belly laughing from the tips of her toes. Now I have to back up for a second because when she came in her Son was with her. I figured her came along in order to go to the store or his friends house. But I quickly realized when he got into the pedicure tub next to his her, he was there to get his feet done. (I thought that was very peculiar for a boy of thirteen) Anyway, as the nail lady started to pumice her feet she just let out this infectious laughter. If you have ever had your feet scrubbed you know how much it can tickle. Once she started then the whole shop seemed to be giggling right along with her!! It was fantastic, then once she was done we realized we had one more foot to go. I LOVED it...it was spontaneous and she wasn't embarrassed at all! I thought it was the perfect ending to my perfect weekend!!! :-)
I love those funny moments
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Thinking Thoughts
Hello there folks! So lately, and really most of the time, I have decided that I truely live in my head. I seem to constantly be thinking about situations and over analizing them instead of enjoying life. One person told me that was part of my Astrological sign and that I can't fight who I am. On one hand she is completely correct...and I like that I always think about the consequences and see both sides. The thing that bothers me the most is I tend to look at a situation, see the right and wrong, and if its wrong...I have done it any way! Now I just don't get what goes through your mind when you make a decision like that! Is it that in that moment it doesn't seem like a big deal or you truely don't care about the consequences? And if you make a mistake...why do it again?
I ask these questions because I have asked myself and can't seem to find the right answers. I always come up blank and I think that because I don't want to admit the truth to myself. I know when I have done something wrong because when I am doing it or have done it, I really don't get that much enjoyment out of it. I am usually so uncomfortable and paranoid that I can't let myself enjoy it. But if thats the case why do it again? I think the answer to this might be beacuse its to hard to tell people no. I can't stand to see disappointment in others or the look they give you when they are disappointed in you. I know this is a lot of babble and I appologize but i find it so easy to vent on here!!
I have been so run down lately and so not myself that I have to decided to change. As I mentioned in my first bog...this blog is about my journey of finding me. I feel as though I have done a lot of things wrong in my life and I hope to try and fix...but I am constantly thinking about that all the time and sometimes that gets frustrating. Its hard because you never get clear answers...its like one of those scenes out of movie where there is a wise man that talks nothing but riddles. Just spit it out already!!! Ha Ha...any way, my biggest goal right now is to learn how to forgive myself and learn to respect and love me for me. So if you have any suggestions on how to actively go about that...I am all ears. i am hoping that this will help but any other ideas are appreciated.
I know it won't happen over night but hopefully one day I will actually be a ble to look in a mirror and look at me...and feel love!
I ask these questions because I have asked myself and can't seem to find the right answers. I always come up blank and I think that because I don't want to admit the truth to myself. I know when I have done something wrong because when I am doing it or have done it, I really don't get that much enjoyment out of it. I am usually so uncomfortable and paranoid that I can't let myself enjoy it. But if thats the case why do it again? I think the answer to this might be beacuse its to hard to tell people no. I can't stand to see disappointment in others or the look they give you when they are disappointed in you. I know this is a lot of babble and I appologize but i find it so easy to vent on here!!
I have been so run down lately and so not myself that I have to decided to change. As I mentioned in my first bog...this blog is about my journey of finding me. I feel as though I have done a lot of things wrong in my life and I hope to try and fix...but I am constantly thinking about that all the time and sometimes that gets frustrating. Its hard because you never get clear answers...its like one of those scenes out of movie where there is a wise man that talks nothing but riddles. Just spit it out already!!! Ha Ha...any way, my biggest goal right now is to learn how to forgive myself and learn to respect and love me for me. So if you have any suggestions on how to actively go about that...I am all ears. i am hoping that this will help but any other ideas are appreciated.
I know it won't happen over night but hopefully one day I will actually be a ble to look in a mirror and look at me...and feel love!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Hello! So I am in such a writing mood and I am so excited because it is snowing outside! Its the perfect kind of snow that belongs in a movie! When ever I see stuff like that I just want there to be some dramatic music in the background and maybe a camera crew to record the moment. I know weird! Any way I think this is the best night to start anew. I think this is like the eight hundredth time I have tried to make a life (body) change but I think this time it is going to follow through. I am going to try and make this Kristin central. I want to be super good about blogging cause it helps me to get it out there! Venting is always so nice! I hope I don't bore you or make ya crazy!Hope to talk to ya soon about my next Kristin adventure!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
